The Amazing LASER!

We get a lot of junk mail. For the most part, we’re okay with this because we are avid coupon shoppers. (Not that we shop for coupons; we just use a lot of coupons when we…nevermind.) The area where we live is chock full of small and/or local businesses that desperately want us to utilize their services, so we typically receive anywhere from five to seven different coupon mailings a week. I typically don’t pay very close attention to what’s in them other than to that which immediately interests me.

This week was different, though. I pored over this particular mailing quite thoroughly, and made a startling discovery: You can solve ANYTHING with a laser!

Let me illustrate. (I’ll start with something mild and not very shocking so you can ease into what will probably be more amazing than you might be otherwise able to handle.) Laser eye surgery has been around for a while now, so it’s fairly common. Still, it’s pretty crazy when you think about it. Mom always told you not stare at the sun, but now what do we find out? If you want to see better, just shoot some focused light into your eyes. Who knew that something that counterintuitive would actually work?

I really hate that Three-Quarter Laser LASIK…

The next several ads were only astonishing because of their number. Laser hair removal is also nothing new, but apparently it’s very popular! Fixes for unsightly mustaches, banishment of unwanted back hair, and solutions for other hirsute hardships too horrifying to name are the all available at any of these fine establishments, courtesy of your friend and mine, the laser.

Here’s where it gets interesting. Hot on the heels of three ads for laser hair removal comes this next ad–for laser hair RESTORATION. Apparently, not only can you remove hair with a laser, but you can grow it back!!! No buyer’s remorse here; if you suddenly want that unsightly mustache after all, just hop on over to these guys and hit the metaphorical “undo” button. (I know it just says “stops hair loss,” not that it actually grows it back. But still…how far away can that next step be?)

Those crazy kids these days and their laser hair!

By this point, I figured we were stretching the limits of what a simple bit of focused light can do, but man, was I wrong! Not content to be restricted to the arena of simple cosmetic alterations, our friend the laser learned how to get people to stop smoking! If you’ve had a hard time kicking that habit with gum, patches, willpower, hypnosis, twelve-step programs, and who knows what else, I bet you feel pretty silly now. All you had to do was point a laser somewhere and voila! No more pack-a-day for you!

Wouldn’t hitting something with a laser make it eventually START smoking?

Yes indeed, if you want to know where the real advancements are happening in science, don’t look to the media; you won’t ever see the headline that says “Laser Solves World Hunger.” Instead, you’ll just see a coupon in your local circular one day for 10% off your first visit to Laser Food Therapy. Nobody will ever win a Nobel Prize for teaching a laser how to power a car and eliminate worldwide dependence on fossil fuels, but I bet that pretty soon the LazOil down the street will have a two-for-one on Gasoline-to-LaserBeam vehicle engine conversions for your family cars.

All of that’s fine and dandy. Personally, I’m just looking forward to my free mail order laser gun with 5 proofs of purchase of Laz-O’s Cereal (plus $2.99 shipping and handling).